urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:alwaysadream a range of human emotions as seen through the eyes of a teenager Sam Feldman 2004-12-01T06:32:37Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:alwaysadream:9765 2004-12-01T06:32:37Z 2004-12-01T06:32:37Z I never got over my first love,<br />My uncle, it was.<br /><br />A role model,<br />The only gay influence in my life,<br />So full of life and death,<br />So smart and yet without pretense.<br />Encouraging, wonderful.<br /><br />A Vietnam vet, a gay solider,<br />A warrior on the front lines,<br />If I run further, you thought,<br />I can outrun those thoughts.<br /><br />You died three years ago today,<br />Doctors say it happens sometimes with AIDS,<br />Kidneys gave out on you, the medications,<br />The medications keeping you alive killed you,<br />And your kidneys switched sides in your fight.<br /><br />The first gay model I had,<br />Ran way from being gay.<br />Some days I try and run as fast as I can,<br />See how far I can get,<br />See how fast I can go,<br />But never,<br />Never,<br />Can I outrun myself.<br /><br />The world mourns for you,<br />Today, world AIDS day, <br />Uncle of mine,<br />Ashes, headstone and memories,<br />All I have left of you,<br />Of my first love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:alwaysadream:9596 2004-12-01T05:24:52Z 2004-12-01T05:24:52Z My demons circle around me at dawn,<br />Repeating my hidden frights to my ears.<br />A sea of tears from my eyes then falls,<br />Layering like wax the salts on my cheeks.<br /><br />And around me you sing songs,<br />Cheery without a cause,<br />Unthinkingly, mindlessly cheery,<br />Happy by anything but thought.<br /><br />Red are my eyes from leaks,<br />A dam not drained until I find respite.<br />A lake, a sea, an ocean filled with sorrow.<br />Pouring from the walls that contained it.<br /><br />Something unnamed holds me back,<br />Restrained from that unholy cheer,<br />Loosely based on loneliness or fear,<br />Or something we don’t quite understand.<br /><br />I drown myself in the laughs of others,<br />Finding solace in their joyful jaunts,<br />Laughing with them out of complacency,<br />But alone in my pain and emptiness.<br /><br />I make the bottle my true friend,<br />Wrapped in a paper bag for winter,<br />Hiding me from the wretched hell I live,<br />A holiday for the mind and my pain.<br /><br />I live for the depths of the darkest nights,<br />When I can dive into the abyss of sleep,<br />Dreaming of a life diverting much from mine,<br />Dead is my body, silent my tortured lips.<br /><br />And the first rays of the sun bring pain anew,<br />A remembrance of the horrors of the days’ worries,<br />And from these eyes fall again the salts of the earth,<br />Emptying out my hidden well – until the night comes again.<br /><br />In the night I can hide my head underground,<br />Comfort my crying heart with a baby’s bottle,<br />Pacify my demons from another day alive,<br />And quench my desire to find false happiness.